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So you want to be a podcaster…

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I don’t have a podcast.  I’ve only been a guest on one a couple times.  But I listen to a lot of them, and if I have one piece of advice for would-be podcasters it’s that…

Listener fatigue is real.  You really can have “too much of a good thing.”

I know what you’re thinking:  ”But Eric, podcasting is cheap and there’s no restriction on length or posting frequency, so I’ll just put as much out there as possible and let my listeners pick what they want to listen to!”

First off, if that’s what you’re saying… you’re a liar.  Every podcast of yours that isn’t getting downloaded will send you into a tizzy.  If you don’t believe me… well, just ask anyone who’s been podcasting for a while.

And secondly… What kind of message is that?  Treating your podcast as something optional/disposable reduces it’s inherent value in the minds of your audience.  There’s a lot of free podcasts out there.  Too many, actually.  Don’t do potential listeners any favors by encouraging them seek more substantial entertainment elsewhere.

But most importantly…  There’s a fallacy in thinking podcasts are free to consume.  They do have a cost:  Time.  Podcast listeners tend to like variety.  The more they feel one podcast monopolizes their time, the more they question its value.  For you business majors out there, I’ll submit that podcasts are a prime example of the law of diminishing marginal utility.

I also believe there’s another business theory at play.  It’s called the “paradox of choice.”  In a nutshell, it’s the belief that people love options, but they hate actually making decisions.  I learned about it in a podcast.

Put those two business theories together and you get “Less is more.”  The truest words in writing.

The podcasts I never miss are those that tend to run less than an hour and don’t post more than once a week (except for special occasions).  Anything else I’ll only download if time permits and there’s a topic/guest I’m really interested in.   But that’s just me.   Individual results may vary.

Side note:  I know some of the most popular podcasts go way over an hour or post way more than a couple times a week or — in the case of the most popular podcast out there — both.  It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’ve been on TV for over a decade and were once designated the heir apparent to Howard Stern.  But that’s not you.

Now, if I have two bits of advice to share, the second would be…

Don’t justify laziness by calling it “your style.”
A.K.A. “Do some editing for goodness sake.”

Chances are, your podcast is supposed to offer some entertainment value to people.  The rules for what constitutes “entertainment” don’t change just because we’re in a new medium.  Boring stuff isn’t entertaining.   Too many podcasters out there just love to hear the sound of their own voice.  They excuse every dull, glitchy, or unprofessional moment as something real or authentic they’ll keep in because that’s “who they are.”  That’s B.S.  They’re just being lazy.  If you have the tools to make a podcast, you’ve also got the tools to make a good podcast.  Use them all.  Not just the microphone and the record button.



A Conversation Between Anne Frank and St. Peter Thanks To A Couple Mitt Romney Supporters

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A lot has been said about the controversial Mormon practice of baptizing holocaust victims after they’ve died, so I won’t say anything more on the matter. I’m just going to print this “conversation” that came to me in a dream; a conversation that I think sums up the feelings of those who support the practice (and allowed me to see this issue in a much better light):

OUTSIDE HEAVEN’S GATES – DAY

Little Anne Frank steps up to St. Peter.

ANNE FRANK: Hi, I’m Anne Frank. I represent the element of humanity that the Nazi’s could never defeat — the undying belief that humans, inherently, are good. My words will go on to inspire billions of people, as well as be required reading in the seventh grade.

ST. PETER: You’re not on the list.

ANNE FRANK: But… why?

ST. PETER: Looks like you picked the wrong team. Sorry.

ANNE FRANK: Blarg.

ST. PETER: Hey, you’re blocking the sidewalk. Please step over there.

He points to a roped off waiting area holding Thomas Jefferson, some Cavemen, several billion other people, and Ghandi.

CUT TO–

SALT LAKE CITY – HALF A CENTURY LATER

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: Poor Anne Frank, she’s been waiting to get into heaven for so long. Her feet must be tired.

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: If only there was a way for us to let her get into heaven.

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: Hey! We could baptize her!

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: But she’s dead, silly! How can we convert her without her consent?

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #1: We’re not converting her (wink, wink), we’re merely giving her a choice!

MITT ROMNEY SUPPORTER #2: That’s right! We’re just giving her — and anyone we posthumously baptize — a choice (wink, wink). If anyone has a problem with this, we’ll just keep saying that over and over again: We’re only giving them a choice! (wink, wink)

MOMENTS LATER, BACK IN HEAVEN–

ST. PETER: Frank? Is there a Frank comma Anne here?

ANNE FRANK: That’s me! Can I come in now? It’s cold out here. And all the Catholics are depressing me.

ST. PETER: Yes, but only if you renounce your Judaism — the religion you died for — and accept all the practices and tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

ANNE FRANK: Wait– So I can either sit out here in the cold for eternity, or I can accept the one true religion I should’ve been all along and enter Heaven to party with all the awesome people from the funnest state of America? And all I have to do is violate the fifth commandment by dishonoring the teachings of my parents — not to mention all my ancestors — and accept a belief system that was completely foreign to me while I was alive? I’m in!

ST. PETER: Damn straight, you’re in!

And he opens the gates…

THE END.


People who say “Hollywood has run out of ideas” aren’t being very original

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Screen Shot 2012-11-30 at 12.12.03 PM

Just a typical day in the comment section of almost any film-centric website…

I always cringe a little when I hear people say anything to effect of “Hollywood has run out of ideas” or “there’s no originality in Hollywood anymore.”  Not just because they’re lazy criticisms typically uttered with disdain, detachment, and smugness (and by someone who acts like they’re the first person to say it), but because it’s not even true.  The film industry has never been about original ideas, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

The main formula of “Hollywood” has always been 4 parts something familiar plus 1 part something different (to give you a reason to pay for it again).  That’s the way it’s been for over a century.

Case in point:  1939

When I first started writing this blog post, I wanted to examine “the greatest year in the history of American cinema.”  Two years kept coming up over and over again in my searches.  The first is 1939, because a startling number of films produced that year have truly stood the test of time.  Here are the ten movies nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards that year:  Gone with the Wind - Stagecoach - Wuthering Heights - Dark Victory - Love Affair - Goodbye, Mr. Chips - Ninotchka - Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - Of Mice and Men - and The Wizard of Oz.

Though Dark Victory (with Bette Davis, Bogart, and Reagan) and Ninotchka (a Lubitsch/Billy Wilder collaboration) have failed to leave an indilible mark on the cinematic consciousness of America, the others easily rank amongst all-time classics — movies that are constantly referenced as high points of their genre.

Now, you might say: “Exactly, Hollywood has tried to imitate those eight other films to death!  So I’m right. Hollywood is unoriginal.”

Except, of course, for the fact there’s a stunning dearth of “originality” on that list.

1. Gone with the Wind – based on a novel.

2. Stagecoach – Both a genre film and an adaptation of a short story ”The Stage to Lordsburg”

3. Wuthering Heights – Novel.

4. Dark Victory – Based on a play.

5.  Love Affair – Look, an original story for the screen!

6. Goodbye, Mr. Chips – Novel (though it should be noted this movie wasn’t made by “Hollywood” — it’s British)

7. Ninotchka – An original screen story.

8.  Mr. Smith Goes to Washington – Based on an unpublished story.

9. Of Mice and Men – Novel.

10. The Wizard of Oz – Novel.

So of the best picture nominees from one of the most historical years in movies, 8 were adaptions of preexisting material.  But you know what?  I’ll knock it down to 7,  since the original story for Mr. Smith was never published.  So there you go.  7 out of 10, and no one has ever called Gone With The Wind or The Wizard of Oz unnecessary adaptations.  And as for Love Affair… It may be a classic, and it may be original, but you know what’s considered even more of a classic?  The 1957 remake:  An Affair to Remember.

Also noteworthy about Love Affair, its success led to two more films starring the same leads (Irene Dunne and Charles Boyer) being produced soon thereafter.  Hollywood did that a lot in the pre-home video era.  To satisfy the audience’s desire to see certain actors together again, when they couldn’t make a sequel they’d just pair them up again and again in other (very similar) films.  In other words, the golden age of movies was filled with a lot more You’ve Got Mail’s than Sleepless in Seattle‘s.

If Hollywood had as much of a habit of doing that today as they did back then, what would the internet call them?  Faux-quels?

And what’s the other “greatest year of cinema” that kept coming up?  1946.

That’s the year more Americans went to the movies than any other year.  Film would never again be as dominant a past time as it was that year (in terms of overall attendance).  And what were people going to see?  Here are the top ten movies of that year (per the American box office-wise)….

1.  The Best Years of Our Lives, based on a novel.

2. Duel in the Sun, “suggested” by a novel.

3. Till the Clouds Roll By, an MGM musical made of popular songs from other films and broadway productions (it was a “best of” showcase dedicated to the work of composer Jerome Kern)

4.  The Yearling, based on a novel.

5.  Beauty and The Beast, not the first time this story was told and definitely not the last.

6.  Tomorrow is Forever, an original screen story

7.  Humoresque, based on a published short story

8.  The Jolson Story, not the first biopic of Al Jolson, that’s for sure.

9.  Black Angel, based on a novel.

10.  The Dark Mirror, appears to be based on material generated just for the film.

Final score:  Originality 2, Unoriginality 8.

And that’s just the top 10.  When I first started writing this, I intended to go through every movie produced by the American studio system in 1946.  Using the IMDb’s “MOVIEmeter” (which ranks the popularity of titles today), I started at the top and worked my way down.  I got through the first 20 before giving up because there was just one — one! — truly original film story among them.  Four of the first 20 were, in fact, remakes (Notorious, Postman Always Rings Twice, My Darling Clementine, and Easy to Wed).

That sole truly original movie?  It’s a Wonderful Life (which, interestingly, didn’t even crack the top 50 from the 1946 box office).

Now, I’m not saying that originality isn’t something to strive for.  Of course it is.  I’m just saying that source material isn’t the only avenue of originality in movies.  In fact, because film is a vibrant medium one could argue that truly original execution is even more important than a truly original premise (especially since one could easily argue there are no truly original premises anymore).

Also, for a movie to get made, so many elements have to line up.  The studio execs, the financiers, the director, the writer, the producers, and the star all have to be on the same page before a greenlight is given.  Because of that, adaptions of anything will always be the norm because it gives everyone a reference point.  Even in the independent sphere this is true.  Would Mike Birbiglia have been able to get his movie “Sleepwalk With Me” made if it didn’t already exist as a theatrical production and a popular NPR piece?

And as for why movies seem to be remade more often now than ever — that’s simple.   It’s only natural that as the libraries of film studios grew, they’d look less to books and novels and plays and more to the properties they already own.  But the process is the same as it ever was.   And it’s not like the same scripts are being shot over and over again.  New writers with new ideas are always brought in.  Every remake begins with the same question: “What can we do differently this time, to make it our own?”

Another problem with the “Hollywood has run out of originality” criticism is how narrowly it defines “Hollywood” (a word that has almost no meaning these days, but that’s another post).  Yes, there are fewer movies being made, which probably means that sequels, remakes, and adaptions make up a larger percentage of all movies released in theaters.  But Hollywood studios no longer make just movies.  We’ve got more scripted TV than ever — and the vast majority of TV shows AREN’T adaptations of anything.  On an hour-per-hour basis, there’s more “original” content than ever before.

TV is also prime example of how an original idea doesn’t necessarily mean a original product.  How many shows are there with completely different premises, yet when you watch them, you feel like you’re watching the same exact thing?

Anyways, I’ve already said about two thousand words more on this topic than I intended.  All I ask is that the next time you hear someone say “Hollywood has run out of ideas,” just remember that people have been saying the same exact thing for decades…  You might want to ask them to come up with something new to say.


How the Borg Helped Elect Obama. Literally.

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Note: This is something I originally wrote for another site that I’m reposting here…

The 2012 election might be upon us, but there’s still one aspect of the ’08 election that’s bugging me.  A LOT has been said about how Obama won that election — the Palin factor, the ’08 economic collapse, McCain’s mysteriously missing balls — but not much has been said about HOW Obama got in the position to win in the first place.  Like how, you know,  the Borg helped elect him.

No, I’m not talking about the collective of singularly-minded young people who stormed across the nation, assimilating the masses in the name of hope & change.   I’m talking about the actual Borg from Star Trek.  Specifically, I’m talking about this Borg…

That’s “Seven of Nine” on the Star Trek series Voyager.

Jeri Ryan is the actress who played her.  Before Voyager, Ryan’s biggest claim to fame was finishing as the third runner up in the 1990 Miss America pageant (she was Miss Illinois) — an honor that quickly got her a plum job dealing blackjack at casino-themed charity events.  After landing the “sexy cyborg” role, she immediately became a fan favorite and the subject of much tabloid fodder.

When Voyager ended in 2001, super-successful TV writer/producer (and I’ll presume Trekkie) David E. Kelley created a part just for her on Boston Public.

People who follow Illinois state politics already know where this going.  So here it is for the rest of you:

Jeri Ryan was married to a Republican investment banker with a great name: Jack Ryan. In 2004, Jack Ryan ran for the U.S. Senate.  His opponent? A young state legislator with a terrible name:  Barack Obama.  By then Jack and Jeri were divorced, but the untimely release of their child custody papers proved devastating to Jack Ryan’s campaign.  People couldn’t get enough of the sordid details of their rocky marriage — namely her accusations that he was a sexual deviant.  (It should be noted that even Ms. Ryan fought to keep the records private, for the sake of their children).

Things got so bad for candidate Jack Ryan that he was forced to drop out of the race, giving his democratic opponent a super-easy avenue to victory.  And when John Kerry decided to let the future junior senator from Illinois be the keynote speaker at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, well… Obama became the face of the future of the party.  Four years later, he was the face of the future of America.  And today he’s the face of our President.

So my question is this:  would Jack Ryan’s divorce allegations have been nearly as scintillating if his ex didn’t look like this in a uniform?

I don’t think so.  Custody battles are notorious for couples throwing the most outrageous accusations at each other.  They rarely stick.  Yet these allegations did.  And the weirdest part of the whole thing?  The fact that the allegations were made public at all.  The custody records were originally sealed (as they should be when children are involved).  But once people began whispering about what may or may not be in them, members of the press filed lawsuits to unseal them.  Their claim:  The public’s need to know who they were voting for outweighs the interest of individual privacy.  Even Ms. Ryan — no fan of her ex — wanted to keep the records private.  The “interest of the public” wound up winning.  The records were unsealed.  Jack Ryan was doomed.

I truly believe that if Jack Ryan’s wife was anyone but a famous femme fatale, it wouldn’t have been as interesting — or as devastating — to his campaign.   If she was less attractive, I don’t even think anyone would’ve cared.  And I really don’t think the press would’ve fought so hard to unseal the records in the first place.

What’s that you say? “Obama probably would’ve beaten Jack Ryan anyway!”  Maybe, but consider this:

Friends in Chicago politics tell me that Obama’s original plan — after winning the senate seat — was to make a presidential run in 2012 or 2016, depending on who was in office.  But his sudden national popularity surprised everyone, and people started pushing him to move up his plans, to strike while the proverbial iron was hot.

So, yes, even if Jack Ryan had stayed in the race, Obama still might’ve won in a much closer race.  But would he still have been thrust into the national spotlight while doing so?  Would he still have gotten the DNC keynote?  And without that exposure — not to mention without the LANDSLIDE Senate victory — would he have had the momentum to start a Presidential exploratory committee just two years later?  I’m not sure.  In other words: if not for this Borg, right now it might be Romney versus President Hillary Clinton.  Heck, if not for that Borg, we might even have — gasp! – Vice President Palin.

Now that’s scary.

Obama and "Seven of Nine"

Left: Current President (not Borg) Right: Someone who looks to be John Edwards’s type


Where’d the tech stuff go?

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Just a heads up that I’ve moved all my tech-related posts to my very tech-centric blog at TechGuyEric.com. A few of my tech posts that might be interesting to a broader audience are still here, but stuff like product reviews will only be found there from now on.

For example, if you’re looking for my review of the Martin Logan Motion Vision Soundbar, you can find it here.


Finally all caught up on Doctor Who

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Doctor_Who_-_Current_Titlecard

And when I say “caught up” I don’t just mean on the last few episodes. I mean I’ve caught up on ALL of them. (Well, all of them since the show returned in 2005, that is.)

Warning: There are some broad spoilers below.

A few years ago, during the David Tennant run as the doctor, I gave it a try, I watched a few episodes, but it didn’t stick. The show’s direction was a little too wayward for my tastes.  The humor was never quite funny enough. The stakes never felt real enough. But the worst offense — the sci-fi just wasn’t that engaging.  There was simply too much “fi” and not enough “sci.” In every episode I saw (albeit, only a handful), The Doctor’s solutions came across more as “magic” than anything else.  And as much as I love magic (and I really do), it’s a terrible way to bring proper closure to a climactic story.  ”Deus ex machina” is a metaphorical term applied to a lot of  stories with forced, unsatisfying endings, but in the case of the few Doctor Who episodes I watched, the term could be applied literally. Very literally. More than one episode ended with the Doctor’s Tardis (a “machina”) literally having some god-like power (a “deus”) that turned out to be just what the Doctor needed to extricate himself from a particularly hairy situation.  I watched it. I gave it my full attention. I decided it wasn’t for me.

Up until January of this year, I’d been working with TV producers who had two shows on the air. And then suddenly both their shows got cancelled in practically the same week. Suffice it to say, I suddenly had a lot of free time. So I decided to give Doctor Who another chance. This time I’d start with the very first episode of the revived series (“Rose“) and keep going until I absolutely couldn’t take it any longer.  The show has a huge following worldwide, so all those millions of people can’t be wrong… can they?

Tennant was a treat, but, overall, I found the Davies-scripted era to be a slog.  Even his best episodes still had too much hokum for me. But I have to admit… It was all worth it to get to the Moffat era.  I can’t say enough good things about these episodes.  Sure, there are still times that the Doctor seems to have a magic button he just has to press to make the monsters/aliens/temporal paradoxes go away, but like Lost and Fringe, the show is now presenting its magic buttons in much more convincing ways.

Also gone: Davies’s tendency to continually put the fate of modern-day Earth in jeopardy in VERY public ways. By the end of series 4 (his last as showrunner), the Earth was completely unrecognizable as our own.  It was now some parallel earth with parallel earthlings who had witnessed and survived multiple widespread, planetary alien attacks. The fun of believing the Doctor could be really amongst us — could really be interacting with our history and our future — was gone. The Doctor was amongst them. He interacted with their history and their future. They were simply not us.

Maybe the smartest decision Moffat made was to hit his own magical button: the delete key on his keyboard. When The Doctor first meets Amy Pond, he marvels at her inability to remember any of those recent attacks on Earth. Finally, the audience has a surrogate again. Someone who feels like one of us. That crack in the wall of Amy’s bedroom — a crack-in-time that erased certain persons and events from history — was perfect.  I chose to believe that the crack in time was big enough that everyone had forgotten about the numerous world-threatening events of the Davies era.

Now, the Moffat era isn’t perfect. For example, the crack-in-time was fixed at the end of series 5 and I still don’t know who remembers what about whom. I have no idea how the real Rory can share memories with the robot Rory. And I’d really like an explanation why the Doctor can’t just travel to mid-20th Century Manhattan and pay a quick visit to his “lost” companions.  (I’ll buy that he can’t bring them back to the present without creating yet another paradox — even though all of series 6 was about circumnavigating paradoxes — but the Doctor explicitly says he can’t he even see them again.)  Those quibbles aside, on a whole, it’s been really great television.  I’m really glad I gave it my time.*

*okay, you can groan at that


Meanwhile, over on the tech blog…

A (very) brief trip down memory lane…

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Just spent some time looking through old issues of the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern, a college humor magazine I wrote for way back in the day.  I created a lot of stuff for them, but for some reason I never put my name on my favorite thing of all:  Rejected Smurfs (Volume 1)

It was only here you could find such unsung heroes as…

Nothing to Live For Smurf

And the dynamic duo of…

Compulsive Masturbator Smurf

Not to mention my personal favorite…

Tinkles With His Pants Down Smurf

Why aren’t the smurfs blue, you ask? Because we couldn’t afford color ink.

Bonus (re)discovery:

My absolute favorite headline from our campus news parody issue…

Moon-Earth-Greek System

(That was written at a time when students — specifically those on the college newspaper — treated every decision by the administration, no matter how insignificant, as an assault on the school’s ever-sacred fraternities and sororities)



Could this have been the very first parody of The Mindy Project? From over 10 years ago?

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Also discovered in an old Dartmouth Jack-o-Lantern: this parody of a comic strip in the campus newspaper circa the year 2000.  The actual strip was called “Badly Drawn Girl,” written by a student named Mindy Chokalingam.  I wonder whatever happened to her…

Sort of Funny Girl(sadly, I can’t remember which staff member came up with that)


Sifting through the remnants of Twitter past…

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Twitter recently celebrated it’s 7th birthday.  It’s easy to forget just how old that is in internet years, until you try to find a good user handle and see that all the good ones are not only taken, but also very, very dead.

Case in point: @TVExec

For a project I’m working on, I wanted to find a handle that could be used for a fictional TV executive.  I figured @TVExec  would be taken, and probably even abandoned by now, but I was still surprised to see just how dead it was.

6 tweets. Two followers. Following just one person. Hasn’t been touched in two years.

TVExecTwitter1

It’s also readily apparent that this account was created for one purpose and one purpose only: scoring with a porn star.

TVExecTwitter2

Assuming he really works in TV in some capacity (hence the Idol and So You Think Can Dance drops), I’m guessing he thought his connection to mainstream media might actually be attractive to her.

First I was upset that this great handle was being wasted… but then I was intrigued.   Is he really a TV exec?  Did the porn star agree to go out with him?  Did she take his money and leave his dead carcass on the bed at a Motel 6 and that’s why he never tweeted again!??!

With concern for his safety on my mind, I now had reasonable cause to dig a little deeper.

All it has for a name is “T. Williams.”  Sadly, the picture is not of Treat Williams.  But if this guy really did want to score with a porn star, I’m guessing he used a real photo. After all, his attempt to sleep with her might be shameless, but it wasn’t dishonest.  The last thing he’d want is for his perfect night to be ruined when she discovers the anonymous twitter troll she agreed to meet isn’t the one she pictured.

A quick Google Image search revealed that the same picture was used on a second, more legit-looking twitter account.

RealTwitterer

It’s a pretty normal twitter account for guy, mostly tweets aimed at sports writers and whatnot.  Not a proposal to a porn star to be found.  And, as it happens, this guy does appear to have a connection to major TV network.  Interesting…

And this is when I got kinda freaked out.  He roots for the same sports teams I do: the Tampa Bay Rays and Tampa Bay Bucs.  He must be from Tampa.  I’m from Tampa.  Heck, he might’ve even gone to the same high school I went to (if not with me, then with one of my older siblings).  Okay.  This is hitting too close to home.

So I ended my search.  ”Mr. TV Exec” if you’re reading this, I hope you and your porn star found true love and she didn’t kill you.  I also hope that one day you may relinquish that awesome twitter handle to someone who might actually use it.

There are some other good, dead handles I’ve come across that are worth a blog post, too. I’ll follow up with them at some point. In the meantime, what are some abandoned Twitter handles you’ve come across that you wish you could use?

UPDATE (6/18/13):  Per the comments below, you’ll see that the real Twitterer has reached out.  In an email, he assured me he’s been the subject of a prank.  He seems like a nice guy, so I’ve gone through the post, removing details that could identify him.  It’s also worth noting that as of today, The “@TVExec” Twitter account no longer exists.


Over on the Tech Blog

No More Origin Stories

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Henceforth, the following well-established characters no longer need to be shown how they become who they are:

  • Spider-Man
  • Batman
  • Superman
  • Green Lantern
  • Green Arrow
  • The Fantastic Four
  • All the X-Men
  • The Lone Ranger
  • The Phantom
  • Captain America
  • Thor
  • Iron Man
  • Iron Giant
  • Luke Skywalker
  • Anakin Skywalker
  • James T. Kirk
  • Spock
  • Willy Wonka
  • Indiana Jones
  • Sherlock Holmes
  • Jackie Robinson
  • Babe Ruth
  • Charles Foster Kane
  • Bane 
  • Harvey Dent
  • Catwoman
  • Pretty Woman
  • Jack Ryan
  • The Hulk
  • Hulk Hogan
  • Rocky
  • Rambo
  • Bambi
  • Godzilla
  • Scooby Doo
  • Yogi Bear
  • Bruce Lee
  • Bruce Almighty
  • Evan Almighty
  • The 40 Year Old Virgin
  • The Seventh Seal
  • Bill
  • Ted
  • Steve Jobs
  • JFK
  • RFK
  • FDR
  • ALF
  • Hal 9000
  • The Watchmen
  • The Wedding Crashers
  • The Fellowship of the Ring
  • The Hobbit
  • Hitler
  • Black Hitler
  • Madea
  • Big Momma
  • Freddy Krueger
  • Jason
  • Michael Myers
  • Austin Powers
  • Dorothy
  • The Wizard of Oz
  • The inmates of Oz
  • Franklin
  • Bash
  • James Bond
  • Jaws
  • Jesus
  • Underdog
  • Dog the Bounty Hunter
  • Boba Fett
  • Willy Wonka
  • Sarah Palin
  • Any fictional president who’s really just a veiled take on Bill Clinton
  • That guy who sawed off his own arm
  • The Punisher
  • The Terminator
  • John Connor
  • Sarah Connor
  • The Transformers
  • Mad Max
  • Maxwell Smart
  • E.T.
  • Nemo (the fish)
  • Kung Fu Panda
  • Oskar Schindler
  • Helen Keller
  • Mr. Magoo
  • The Alien from Alien
  • The Aliens from Aliens
  • Ellen Ripley
  • The Talented Mr. Ripley
  • Jason Bourne
  • Ethan Hunt
  • Rain Man
  • The Graduate
  • The Godfather
  • Robin Hood
  • King Arthur
  • Merlin
  • Houdini
  • Harry Potter
  • Burt Wonderstone
  • Snow White
  • The Fly
  • Marty McFly
  • Stuart Little
  • Robocop
  • Axel Foley
  • The Ghostbusters
  • Neo
  • Mulder
  • Scully
  • Josh Baskin
  • The Rocketeer
  • The family from Parenthood (the movie and both television shows)
  • The Odd Couple
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • The Mob Doctor
  • Darkman
  • Donnie Darko
  • William Shakespeare
  • Mozart
  • Beethoven (the dog)
  • Richard Nixon
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • Blade
  • Dracula
  • Frankenstein
  • Young Frankenstein
  • Ben Stein
  • Bella
  • Edward
  • Jacob
  • Derek Zoolander
  • Paul Blart
  • Gumby
  • Judge Dredd
  • Swamp Thing
  • Tomb Raider
  • Sgt. Bilko
  • The A-Team
  • Katniss Everdeen
  • Frank Abagnale, Jr.
  • The guy from the The Terminal
  • Anyone from G.I. Joe
  • Norman Bates
  • Dexter
  • Ebenezer Scrooge
  • Scrooge McDuck
  • Howard the Duck
  • Howard Hughes
  • Amelia Earhart
  • Supergirl
  • Charlie’s Angels
  • Liberace
  • Mark Zuckerberg

The following characters haven’t really had their origins explored on screen yet… but that’s okay.  Embrace the mystery.  Skip the origin story for them, too:

  • Han Solo
  • Hugh Hefner
  • Jack Bauer
  • John McClane
  • John McCain
  • Propeller guy from Titanic
  • The Fonz
  • The Golden Girls
  • Rapping Granny
  • Captain Hook
  • Grumpy Smurf
  • MacGuyver
  • Mary Poppins

The following is the entire list of pre-existing characters for whom it’s completely okay to retell their origin story:

  • Mighty Mouse

Over on the tech-only blog:

Searching for John Connor…

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80sCharacters

Marty McFly. John McClane. Sarah Connor. Axel Foley. Riggs & Murtaugh. All are 80s movie characters that quickly became household names. Rambo and Indiana Jones became so iconic so fast, the sequels to First Blood and Raiders of the Lost Ark bore their names. Even 80s movies that weren’t box office champs produced characters with names still recognizable today. Snake Plissken. Lloyd Dobbler. Spicoli.

Plenty iconic character names from the 90s jump off the top of my head, too. Neo. Tyler Durden. Hannibal Lector. Keyser Soze. Sidney Prescott. Ethan Hunt.*

But from after 2000? I’m drawing a blank.

I’m not talking about titular names (Napolean Dynamite/Erin Brockovich) or names that were well-known before they made it onto film (Peter Parker/Katniss Everdeen). I’m talking about character names that didn’t seep into the public consciousness until after they hit the big screen. Where have they gone? From after 2000, all I can think of is Capt. Jack Sparrow. Avatar is the biggest movie ever… but can you name Sam Worthington’s lead character? Can you even name Sam Worthington?

Possible explanations for this:

1) Maybe it’s a personal bias. This is how it looks to me because the 80s and 90s were my formative years.

2) Maybe this is an example of a confirmation bias. I formed this theory first, and I’m only seeing evidence that confirms it.

3) Maybe it’s due to a dearth of “original” movies. We’re too busy talking about Harry Potter, Jason Bourne, and the Marvel Universe to talk about characters that were made for the movies.

4) Maybe it’s because of the new golden age of TV. Don Draper, Olivia Pope, and Walter White are the new Clark Griswold, Ellen Ripley, and Maverick.

5) Maybe movie names have gotten too generic. I just looked up the name of Worthington’s character from Avatar. It’s Jake Sully. In any decade would “Jake Sully” have become a household name?

“Oh my god, you’re being so Jake Sully right now!”

– Something that would never be said, ever.

6) Um… I don’t really have a six. I just want to try to come up with more names from the 2000s I should know. What about Leo’s character from Inception? He did have a name, right? The name Frank Abagnale, Jr. means something to me… Catch Me If You Can! But, wait, he was a real person. Does he count as a movie character?

7) Maybe I’m making too arbitrary of a distinction between “known” and “unknown” pre-existing characters and Bella, Jacob, and Edward should totally count.

8) Or maybe… As a society, we can no longer distinguish between real people and fake people. Whenever we think of fictional characters now, we can only think of the actors who play them. (See: Reality Television, or the fact that you call every character that Bradley Cooper has ever played “Bradley Cooper.”)

Wait! Maximus from Gladiator! He totally counts! (Even if his name is a little on the nose.)

Anyways, I don’t think this can be attributed to any kind of bias or a lack of catchy names in scripts these days. And sure, kids today could do a better job recalling movie character names from the last decade than I could, but we’re talking about “household names,” not “names that kids know.” I also don’t think we can blame TV, since TV was a major cultural factor back then, too. (J.R. Ewing, George Constanza, Sam & Diane, etc., etc., etc.) And if you’ve read this blog before, you know how I feel about people who say Hollywood has run out of originality. (They need to be more original in their criticism.)

So what is it? I dunno. But I really do think there’s something going on here… The lack of household names is a symptom of something… Something about the diminishing role that movies overall play in culture, maybe? Who knows, the shortage of straight-from-the-movies household names could be the canary in the proverbial coal mine. (Or should that be “Sparrow” in the coal mine?)  It could be a harbinger of doom for the entire medium!

Or it could just be my imagination.

—————————

*Yes, Mission Impossible was based on a TV series, but the Ethan Hunt character didn’t exist before the movie… If you can’t place the name Sidney Prescott, imagine “Sidney” being said in a scary voice over the phone… Yes, the idea for this blog post came to me while I was doing this one


Local L.A. Newscaster Or Porn Star?

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If you’ve ever been to Los Angeles and turned on the TV at noon, 6, or 11pm, you might’ve noticed something “different” about the people delivering you the local news, sports, and weather.  Their lips are plumper. Their bods are buffer. Their boobs are much, much, larger. They frequently look like the porn version of what a local newscaster should look like.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a quiz for you:

Each of the men and women below are either a) a local L.A. newscaster or b) a porn star.  Can you tell which is which?  As my least favorite local news teaser goes… The answers may surprise you.

(Their true identities are revealed at the bottom of the post.)

#1

k3io5

Meet Alysha.  A born and bred Californian, Alysha went to USC and majored in Communications.  After a stint in local radio, you can now spot her either doing early morning traffic updates on ABC 7… or doing a guy who kinda looks like Johnny Galecki in the X-rated porn parody Bigger Bang Theory.

#2

Michael_Brownlee_(3)

This is Michael.  Michael has had small roles in major movies like “Bruce Almighty” and “War of the Worlds,” but most Angelenos know him from his daily duties co-anchoring “Today in LA” on channel 4… or from his 12 inch shlong.

#3

spl106554_0031

That woman spotted with Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins is Jackie, a Southern girl who moved to L.A. from Miami for the increased exposure.  Teenage boys throughout the land now stay up late to watch her do what she does best, which is either “predict the weather” or “get boned through every bodily orifice at the same time.”

#4

ra7

This is Henry.  Henry is a big hockey fan. He is also a big fan of videotaping himself having unprotected sex with pre-op transexuals. Or he’s a meteorologist.

#5

Courtney Friel Pokerbabe2

Say “hi” to Courtney. Before coming to Los Angeles to be a reporter, you might’ve seen her on the Fox News Channel.  Or on Cinemax’s late night softcore series Jasmine’s Erotic Journal, where she plays a bisexual novelist who travels the world interviewing women about their most sensual sexual experiences.

#6

1649380_G

“Steve E.” has had a long career in a business where longevity is rare.  With loads of experience both in front of and behind the camera, Steve can currently be seen either anchoring Fox 11′s Good Day L.A. or directing “classy” triple-X fare like Miriam’s Fuckbox and Debbie Gets Dumped On.

#7

JenniferGould

Jennifer is a fitness buff whose most recent positions include either “sports anchor and reporter” for KTLA 5 or “reverse cowgirl and the standing wheelbarrow” for Cumbuster International Pictures (the prestige division of Hustler Entertainment).

#8

elita-lorescaThis is Elita Loresca of NBC 4. She does the weather.  See.  I just told you exactly who she is and you still don’t believe me.  Told ya this wouldn’t be easy.

#9

DougKolk

Doug has dreamy eyes, and he likes to make women scream on camera.  Does he do it with his salacious coverage of Justin Beiber’s latest doings… or his trademarked move known only as the “three-fingered Mexican oil change”?

#10

port2image8This is Sharon.  She’s either a weekend anchor for CBS 2… or an exotic dancer who’s currently filming a Playboy reality series about her open marriage called Sharing Sharon.

And the truth is…

They.

Are.

All.

L.A. newscasters.



There. I fixed it.

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WookieMistakeAll around L.A. are billboards and posters for the new Ice Cube/Kevin Hart movie “Ride Along.” It looks like it could be pretty funny, but I just can’t get past the tagline the marketers chose: “Propose to this cop’s sister? Rookie mistake.”

Henceforth, I vow that whenever I see a movie poster with the word “rookie” on it, I’ll change it to wookie and alter the cast accordingly.


So the Star Trek fans don’t feel left out…

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So the Star Trek fans don't feel left out...

I overdid it with the blur tool around the neck, but overall not bad for five minutes of work, no? The hardest part was filling in Worf’s head, since the only image I had that’d work was cut off just above the eyebrows.


Anatomy of a TV Writers’ Room

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449A4438One unexpected fruit of the internet: a million blogs dedicated to recapping every episode of every TV show currently on the air. Throw in all the people devoting their free time/lives to reexamining old episodes of Buffy, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Doctor Who, and you’ve got approximately 1 trillion web pages all devoted to one thing: Telling People What They Already Saw.

The AVClub, HitFix, TelevisionWithoutPity, and Entertainment Weekly — among countless other sites — have all figured out how to monetize the desperate need for TV addicts to have their opinions verified through consensus. No show is too small to be covered, no detail is too small to be obsessed over.  Thanks to the explosion of the TV echo-chamber, never before has so much attention been given to the process of making television.

And never before have so many people gotten it so wrong.

Reviewers in particular love to speculate about how shows get made, and they do so in a very authoritarian manner.  They occasionally get some things right — like how TV is a writer-driven medium — but they severely underestimate just how collaborative the medium really is.

With so much rampant misinformation out about how a writers’ room actually works, consider this my ever-so-humble attempt to get some actual facts into the mix…

PART 1: THE BASIC STRUCTURE

First, no two rooms are structured identically. Writers’ rooms are like snowflakes. Snowflakes full of stress and anxiety. And chocolate covered espresso beans. Also: There doesn’t even seem to be any agreement on how to spell “writers room.”  Where does the apostrophe go? Is it writers’ room? Writer’s room? Or simply writers room?  Honestly, it’s dealer’s choice. (Or is it dealers’ choice?)  So the following is a pretty basic configuration, with some caveats I’ll explain later.

The room itself is typically a conference room with a long table.  Comedies will have either one large screen that all the writers can see or an individual screen for each writer at the table. This is so all the writers can cull through every script together, line-by-line, before they start shooting.  On dramas, there is less of a need for all the writers to see the same document, so screens are rarer.  A staple of all writers rooms, though: dry erase boards. Lots and lots of dry erase boards.

These are the people that work in and around the room:

Writers’ P.A. — This is considered an entry-level job (albeit, a very hard-to-get entry-level position).  P.A. stands for “Production Assistant.” There are also Set P.A.s that assist with the actual shooting of the show, Post P.A.s that work with the editorial department, and Production P.A.s that work in the Production Office — the office responsible for coordinating all the separate elements that go into producing a season of television.  P.A.s are the “legs” of show business. They run errands, make copies, get lunch and coffee, etc.  Nice producers will allow P.A.s to contribute creatively where they can — like in generating content for the show’s website and social media accounts.  If you’ve just moved to Los Angeles, and want to start getting some experience in the entertainment industry, this is the job to look for.

Writers’ Assistant — On most shows, this job title is a misnomer as the writers’ assistant assists the “writing process” more than anything else.  Their most important job is to take notes whenever stories for the show are discussed, making sure that no good idea gets lost in the shuffle.  They may also conduct research, produce content for the web, and — by virtue of their position — even get to pitch stories/jokes/lines/etc. On shows that don’t have a daily convening writers’ room, though, the writers’ assistants tend to resemble more typical assistants (answering phones, setting schedules, etc.)

Script Coordinator — Think of this person as the “guardian of the script.” Nothing shall enter the official draft of a script without first passing through her.  Every draft of every script goes through the S.C. They proof the script for typos and errors. They make sure the stories, characters, and locations track.  On a show like Lost with a rich mythology, the Script Coordinator might be in charge of keeping the show’s “bible” — a continuity of everything that’s happened on screen (not to mention the stuff that got cut before airtime).  On multi-camera comedies, the script coordinator and the writers assistant often share their duties, with the more senior person getting the “coordinator” tag.

Staff Writer — Though all the writers work on a staff, the term “staff writer” is reserved for the “freshest” member(s) of the writing staff. These are typically writers working on just their first or second show.  As a writer works his/her way up the ranks, they move through the following titles:

Story Editor
Executive Story Editor
Co-Producer
Producer
Supervising Producer
Co-Executive Producer
Executive Producer

Consulting Producer is another title worn by writers, but it doesn’t easily fit into the above hierarchy.  Typically, a Consulting Producer is a higher level writer who’s working less than full-time on the show.

Note #1 on Producer credits: Not everyone with a producer title is a writer. There are non-writing producers, though they tend to be outnumbered by the writer-producers, especially on comedies. People involved in the development of a show may continue to get a producer credit on every episode even if they no longer do anything on a weekly basis.

Note #2 on Producer credits: Executives who work at the network and studio, despite being heavily involved in the development and production of a show, rarely get producer titles. If they do appear in the credits, it’ll be as “Executive in Charge of Production” or something to that affect.

And then there’s the showrunner, a term heard only in certain parts of New York and LA until a few years ago.  The term itself doesn’t appear on official paperwork or in any credits. In the most general sense, the showrunner is the person tabbed by the network & studio to be in charge of the day-to-day operations of the show.  The showrunner isn’t even necessarily a writer, though he/she usually is.

The term is now everywhere thanks to the blogosphere.  As TV criticism matured, it started taking more and more cues from film criticism, specifically the auteur theory of film, which states: “You sound smarter as a critic when you can pin all the success or failure of a collaborative work of art on one person.” (Okay, that’s not the right definition, but it’s not wrong either.)

To TV critics, the showrunner is the main creative voice behind a TV series. To network execs, the showrunner is the person they expect to have answers when they call with questions.  To the cast and crew, the showrunner is the person who ultimately decides if you need to come in on a weekend.

PART 2: THE BASIC PROCESS

At the beginning of the season, all the writers gather in “the room” to discuss, very broadly, stories for the season.  On a procedural show, they’ll come in with stories & articles they’ve read that might make for good material. On a more character-driven show, they’ll begin to map out season-long arcs for each character. On a character-driven procedural show (like Grey’s Anatomy, where I got my start), it’s both.

Once there’s a rough structure for what has to happen when, the showrunner starts assigning individual episodes to specific writers. Before said writers go off on their own to write, though, the content for each individual episode is discussed in detail in the room.  All major plot points are agreed on — sometimes even including key dialogue — before the writer goes off to write a story document and/or outline. (What’s the difference between a story document and an outline?  The story document talks about all the stories in a given episode separately, and the outline breaks the stories into scenes and puts them in the order.) Once the Network and Studio have signed off on the outline, the writer then goes away with all the notes from the room (taken by the writers assistant) and fleshes out the outline into a script.

Note: Some shows give the individual writers tremendous freedom to deviate from the outline.  Other shows want the writer to stick to the outline as much as possible.  If you’re a first time writer on a show, my advice is to stick to the outline, unless instructed otherwise.

The script then gets read by the higher level writers, who offer their notes and feedback.  On a sitcom, the script usually goes back to the room for a joke polish, with every writer chiming in.  The script coordinator then sends the script to the studio, who gives notes. Based on those notes, a new draft is generated for the network (assuming the studio and network are two different entities, which they usually are), and once the studio and network have signed off the script, it becomes a PRODUCTION DRAFT or TABLE DRAFT.  That’s the first draft of the script that gets disseminated to the cast and crew.

The script is not done though.  This draft will get read at a table read, where all the regular cast members, all the writers, and many of the execs on the show are present.  After the table read, the writers will compare notes on what they think worked and didn’t work, and the showrunner will take all that into consideration, resulting in a new draft of the script.

Even after shooting has begun, changes can — and will — happen.  Every time a change gets made to a script in production, the changes are issued on a different paper color. The production draft is white, followed by blue pages, pink pages, yellow pages, and so forth (different studios have different color wheels). I’ve worked on shows that also include goldenrod, tan, and buff pages, before going back to white pages (called “double white” at this point).  We once issued “triple buff” pages, meaning it had so many changes over course of production, it went through the color cycle three times.

PART 3: CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE

What do the credits mean you see on screen?  ”Story byusually means the writer (or writers) generated the initial story document or outline that the episode is based on.  ”Teleplay by” means that’s the writer assigned to writing the script itself. “Written by” means the writer(s) wrote both the outline and the script.

A showrunner will do a pass on every script, as will at least one other higher level writer (usually).  And they will typically do these passes without credit, even if the script changes a great deal during rewrites.

Created By” refers to writer(s) who wrote the pilot the network bought and produced. Even if the creator leaves the show, their name will still appear on every episode.

Developed By” is like “Created By” for shows based on preexisting material — a movie, book, or another TV series.

PART 4: VARIATIONS

Comedies have larger writing staffs than dramas.  Network dramas have larger staffs than cable dramas.

If a staff is big enough, a show might have two writers rooms working simultaneously. They’ll either be breaking different episodes or one room is working on a specific episode while the other room brainstorms ideas for future episodes.

(Oh, yeah, the process of figuring out how a story should be told on television is known as “breaking” it. Don’t ask me why.)

Multi-camera comedies (i.e. those shot in front of a live studio audience) have a different process than single-camera comedies and dramas. On a multi-camera comedy, the entire writing staff attends rehearsals and is there during the one night of taping.  On single-camera comedies and dramas — which take a week or longer to be filmed — usually just one writer is on set during that period, ready to offer quick fixes as needed.

Some shows have no writers room whatsoever.  Writers pitch ideas directly to the showrunner, only convening as a group for lunch (if that).

Primetime animated shows tend to resemble their live-action counterparts right up until the table read — then it looks very different (as the animation process can take many months).

IN CONCLUSION

You know that funny line on last night’s Big Bang Theory that keeps making you chuckle? Good luck figuring out who came up with it.


Do you like to use ellipses in your film and TV scripts? Here’s a trick you’ll want to know.

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Okay, it’s a less a “trick” than a standard feature of Mac computers (and I’m assuming PCs as well), but it’s something most people don’t know about.

First off, you shouldn’t rely too heavily on ellipses in general, but they have their purpose.  The problem is that a single ellipsis adds three characters to the last word in your sentence, and three characters is sometimes one or two too many, creating “orphan words” that push into the next line.

Three Periods

Adding ellipses the old fashioned way, by hitting the period button three times.

Extra lines can be very annoying, pushing things off the page you might want there, or even adding to the overall page count.

Microsoft Word automatically addresses this issue by turning three consecutive periods into an “ellipsis symbol” that only counts as a single character.  Final Draft, sadly, does not.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t add one yourself:

One Character Ellipses

Adding an ellipsis symbol instead can help eliminate orphan words.

Adding an “ellipses symbol” is easy on a Mac.  Just press “OPTION-semicolon” and it’ll create one.  Easy-peasy.

Or you can use the Mac’s built-in “character viewer.”  To do that, open the System Preferences and select the Keyboard pane.  Then click where it says “Show Keyboard & Character Viewer in menu bar.”

KeyboardPrefs

That will create this icon (and dropdown menu) on your desktop.

KeyboardTaskbar

Selecting the character viewer will bring up this window, showing you every character/symbol might ever need to use while writing:

CharacterViewer

What you see above is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  There are hundreds of characters to choose from obscure iconography to foreign currency symbols.

The character viewer is a useful item to keep in your menu bar because you never know when you’ll need a certain symbol to help elucidate your writing.

Fun fact: The plural of ellipsis is ellipses. 

FYI: I’m told the Windows equivalent of “OPTION-semicolon” is to hold down ALT and type 0133.  (Of course the Windows version would require three additional keystrokes.)


How to be a kick-ass writers’ assistant

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It’s June, which means TV writers’ rooms for the next season are opening for business.  Most of the people in those rooms are veteran writers who (hopefully) need no advice.  A lucky few are first-time writers who will need a lot of advice, but they’ll get none from me.  (Y’all are on your own.*)  No, this post is for the other people who make their living in a TV writers’ room; the true, unsung heroes of television. The Writers’ Assistants.

(*Okay, fine, here is one bit of advice for first-time staff writers — don’t feel like you have to prove your worth right out the gate.  Relax.  You got the job over millions of well-qualified writers, so you wouldn’t be there if someone didn’t really believe in your abilities.  Take some time to get a feel for how the room works and do a lot more listening than you do talking for the first couple weeks.)

When I say “writers’ assistant,” I don’t mean “assistant to a writer.”  The latter job requires rolling calls, setting meetings, and planning surprise birthday parties for your boss’s spouse and/or boyfriend.  I’m talking about the assistants paid to assist a process, not a person.  Writers’ assistants sit in the writers room, taking notes, conducting research, and providing the writing staff with all the materials/support they need to meet their increasingly tight deadlines.  It’s a job I’m very familiar with (a little too familiar, actually).  Most writers’ rooms have between 6-12 writers, but only one writers’ assistant.  In that regard, it’s a pretty hard job to get in it’s own right.  It’s also a hard job to keep.  The process of making a TV series moves too quickly to afford a new writers’ assistant a “breaking in” period.  I hear about more writers’ assistants getting let go because they couldn’t cut it than I do any other job on a TV show staff. (Staff writer is a close second, but I’ll get to that in another post.)  But don’t worry.  If you’re new to the gig, read this, and you’ll be prepared for anything.

Note: The advice below pertains to any show with pretty active writers room, which includes all half-hours and most one-hours. If you get a job as a writers’ assistant on a show that doesn’t have a daily convening writers’ room… don’t go crazy with the balloons while planning that surprise party.

Okay, I just got a job as a writers’ assistant. Now what?

The vast majority of your time will be taking notes.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  The blessing is that it puts you squarely in the middle of every discussion that will take place about the content of the show.  The curse is that you will be doing A LOT of typing, and the faster you are at typing, the faster they WILL talk.  Guaranteed.  It’s just one of those mysteries of the universe.  If you take nothing else from this post, it should be this: nothing disturbs a writer more than looking over and seeing that no one wrote down what they just said.  You are as much a comfort blanket as you are anything else.  It’s comforting for the writer/producers to know what they just said is on the record somewhere.  Embrace the roll of the blanket (just don’t smother anyone).  Keep your fingers moving while the writers talk.  When I was a writers assistant, I basically took straight dictation. Sure, that means there’ll be a lot of redundant material in the notes as room discussions frequently move in circles, but it’s better than the opposite.  As the writers learn to trust you, you can take your fingers off the keyboard a bit and use more discretion about what really needs to be in the notes, but for your first month or so, err on the side of “more is better.”  Paraphrasing is okay, unless people are pitching specific lines of dialogue, then you’ll want to make sure you get the pitch word-for-word.  Don’t worry about keeping track of who says what.  That’s not your job and, honestly, it’s better you don’t try to attribute any specific ideas to any specific person.  Develop a shorthand if you must, something to remind you what was said so you can flesh it out later, when you have more time.  Do not hesitate to ask a writer to repeat something they just said.  They’ll love that you cared.  Whenever the topic in the room changes — and it can change quickly — put a header in the notes reflecting that:  “Moving onto episode 102…” or “Let’s now talk about all the ways to kill Peter…” or something like that. Put the header in italics, on its own line.

Oh, and stay off social media while the room is going. Yes, you’re a millennial, and millennials were born with an extra gene for multi-tasking, but unless your job also requires you to be monitoring social media accounts for the show, stay off them while in the room.  Even the coolest, most laid back writer on staff will get a little anxious if they look over and see Facebook open on your computer.

Use bold to identify things people really, really liked.  And when I say “people” I mean the showrunner.  If the showrunner is in the room, and they toss out an idea, bold it.  If someone else says something and the showrunner responds to it, bold it.  Always keep your eye on the showrunner, to make sure you’ve noted what they liked.  If the showrunner isn’t there, then look to the person who will be responsible for writing whatever episode is on the table.  Remember, these notes are ultimately for them to refer to when they write their first drafts.

At the end of the day, before you email out the notes, always go through them.  Typos will be forgiven, but it’s important to make sure the notes are clear and organized.   Hopefully, while taking notes, you used a lot of headers, because that will make it easier to put a table of contents on the front page.  Yes, I said table of contents. A good set of notes on a busy day can be 15-20+ pages long, covering a variety of topics over multiple episodes.  You don’t need to be super detailed in the T.O.C., but if the writer for episode 104 wants to only read the notes pertaining to 104, they should know which pages of the notes to turn to quickly.

A lot of discussion will be devoted to general ideas for future episodes.  That should be in the notes, but also keep a separate document for these.  There should also be a board in the room dedicated to potential ideas for the future, but I’ll get to the board later.

NO, TELL ME ABOUT THE BOARD NOW. I DEMAND TO KNOW ABOUT THIS “BOARD” YOU SPEAK OF.

The white boards in a writers room are the writers assistant’s best friend.  If something is on a white board at the end of the day, that must mean someone really, really liked it.  Most rooms will have several boards set aside for whatever episode is being broken, another just for future episode ideas, and at least one with a grid showing what’s already been done that season.  When you email out the notes, it’s very handy to include the content of the most current boards.  Yes, you should take a picture of the boards for safekeeping, but do not email out the pictures because they are hard to read (and impossible to search).  Just take the 10 minutes it’ll take to transcribe them. (Note: This is also a good task for an eager P.A.)

Who writes on the boards?  Whoever has the best handwriting, usually.  If you have good white board handwriting, let them know. It’s a plus.

Is it writers’ assistant, writer’s assistant, or writers assistant?

No clue.  I tend to go with either the first or the last, as the one in the middle implies a single writer (see “assistant to a writer” above).

When can I pitch the producers of the show my awesome ideas?

Here’s where you want to be careful.  Most producers will tell you how approachable they are, how you can always come to them with anything, and that you should feel free to pitch stuff in the room as you “have a brain just like anyone else.”  They are liars! Okay, they’re not liars.  Most writers do genuinely care what the writers assistant has to say.  And every showrunner values a good idea, regardless of where it comes from. But you have to be smart.  Never talk just because you feel the need to say something, or because you’re worried they’ll think you’re mute.  Remember, you were not hired to pitch jokes or story points, and that’s a GOOD THING.  It takes the pressure off you to impress anyone.  Let the staff writer feel all that pressure and get eaten alive by their insecurities.  You shouldn’t feel any pressure to contribute creatively, and you should embrace that freedom.

If you want them to value what you have to say, it never hurts to remind them of good ideas that the room already generated.  If the room is talking about ways to kill a character named Billy via poison, but you remember that last week the showrunner really liked the idea of killing Billy as violently as possible, speak up.  Become a human archive of all the ideas that anyone liked, and you will be toasted like a king.  They will want you to talk more, not less.  Instant value, and you didn’t even have to think of anything original!

If you’re taking notes and you just happen to come up with an “awesome idea” you think would help really, really the discussion, wait until there’s a lull before saying anything.  Make sure not to interrupt anyone. (That’s advice, by the way, for ANYONE in a writers room. Don’t interrupt people, particularly people who outrank you.)   Or just wait until you have one-on-one time with one of the writers and tell them your idea, if the thought of speaking up in the room is too nerve-wracking.

When can I show them my writing samples?

When they ask, and only when they ask.

What happens between the time when the room is done breaking an episode and the writer goes off to write it?

Excellent question.  I can see why you got the job.  Once the room feels like the individual stories of a particular episode are fully fleshed out – and that call will be made by the ranking writer/producer in the room — the showrunner will come in, and (usually) the writer of the episode will pitch the A, B, and C stories to the showrunner.  Basically, the writer will pitch all the beats that are on the board.  Before the pitch begins, make sure you have those beats already in a document.  Then, as the writer pitches every beat on the board, take down everything the showrunner says.  At the end of the pitch session, you should have a document that reflects all the beats the showrunner likes plus their thoughts.  That should be enough for the writer to put together a “Story Doc” (i.e. the document sent to the network/studio for story approval.)

After the story doc, comes the outline.  The writer will go off for an afternoon and mesh all the individual stories together into one timeline.  The writer — with your help — will put this timeline on a board (sometimes a white board, sometimes it’s via cards on a bulletin board) and then the writer will pitch the timeline to the showrunner.  Again, when taking notes, start with a document that already has all the beats on it, then adjust the doc as the order of the beats change during the pitch (which they will), making sure to include the showrunner’s thoughts.

When the pitch is done… you’ve still got some work to do.  Take that document and clean it up.  It should read like a detailed beat sheet that covers the entire episode.  THEN, if you really want to show off, cut and paste relevant materials from earlier notes on the episode (because you’ve kept them organized and easily searchable) next to each beat.  For example, if there was a specific dialogue exchange you know the writer liked at a certain point in the story, remind the writer about it here.  NOW you can send this document to the writer for them to write the outline.  If you’ve done your job well, they should be able to turn your detailed beat sheet into an outline with little effort.  They will love you for that.

Is it my job to make sure the writers’ room is clean and tidy?

Technically, the P.A. is usually tasked with that, but if the room is messy, the first person to feel the heat is you.  So, yeah, keep it tidy.

What other things should I do if I want to impress the producers and writers?

In no particular order –

Keep a show bible.  No one will ask you do this on a season one show, but if the show gets a 2nd season, they’ll be really glad it exists.  Just a page or two per episode, with a brief summary and any noteworthy character traits revealed in that episode.

Do research.  If you’re on a procedural, constantly be surfing the web for possible story inspiration. Then, if you really want to impress the showrunner, when you share your findings, have a brief take for how your show could handle it.   You don’t need to pitch a whole story — in fact, you shouldn’t, unless you’re asked — but a real headline and a vague sense of how your characters would deal with it will always be appreciated.

Volunteer to make the occasional coffee run.  A lot of writers’ assistants view this as “P.A.-only” work and hate doing it.  They are stupid.  Nothing makes people in power happier than getting coffee delivered to them mid-day.  Be the source of their happiness.  This is both an easy way to stretch your legs and put a smile on your co-workers’ faces.  Let them associate you with good feelings.

Don’t unload your problems on your co-workers.  You will think that all the writers and producers are your friends.  They will act like your friends.  They may even become actual, good friends at some point down the line.  But this is still a workplace.  Though writers have a tendency to overshare about their problems in the writers room, it’s usually not a good idea to do so yourself.  I’ve seen more people get stung by their room revelations than helped by them.    If you have a personal experience relevant to the discussion in the room, go for it.  But if you just need to kvetch about your girlfriend dumping you for the 12th time in a same calendar year, you might want to keep it to yourself.

Be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave.  Showing up early should be easy, since most rooms convene at 10am, and most writers don’t arrive until then.  But leaving can be tricky.  Some writers will tell you to leave when they do, but if the showrunner is still there, you should hang back.  You don’t have to wait for the showrunner to leave, but you should at least check in with them, asking if they need anything done before you go.

When should I expect to be given a script and/or promotion to full writer?

You shouldn’t.  As great as it would be for writers assistants to be treated like apprentices who’d be next in line when the show needs a new writer, the reality is that most assistants will never get a chance to write for the show they work for.  This isn’t because TV producers are greedy or ungrateful, it’s just a simple fact of the business.  This isn’t bad news, though.  You want a job as writers’ assistant so you can be in a writers’ room.  Nothing prepares you for being a staff writer more than actual room experience, whenever and wherever you can get it.  And you will work tightly with a bunch of writers that — if they like your work & attitude — will be happy to help your career further down the line. (Note:  I said “down the line.”)

As for a chance to write a freelance script, the WGA encourages all shows to give out freelance scripts at least once or twice a season (depending on how many episodes are being produced overall).  There are people on the internet who think it’s bad when showrunners give freelance scripts to assistants, as if assistants are benefiting from favoritism more than merit.  These people are wrong and they are quite possibly evil.  Being a writers’ assistant is a very low paying job with very long hours.  You will frequently wind up contributing to the show more than people paid many times what you get paid (sadly, every show winds up with at least one highly paid writer who fails to carry their own weight, let alone their massive salary).  Just because you are at the assistant level, that does not diminish your abilities to write on a freelance level.  Do some showrunners give scripts out to assistants with zero intention to take the script seriously?  Yeah.  But those same showrunners would be planning to completely rewrite anyone who got that same freelance, even a more seasoned writer needing a short-time gig.  If a showrunner wants to give a freelance script to an out-of-work TV writer who needs keep their WGA health insurance going, that’s great.  If they want to give the script to a former staffer who the showunner trusts to lessen their workload, that also makes sense.  And if the showrunner wants to give it to an assistant who has earned their respect not just as a member of the support team, but also as a writer themselves, that’s a perfectly valid reason.  All that said, don’t count on it or get discouraged if it doesn’t happen.  Getting a freelance script is a wonderful opportunity when it arises, but it’s in no way guaranteed.

If I’m too good at my job, why would they ever promote me, especially if the showrunner feels like they’re getting an extra writer in the room at an assistant’s salary?

I’m not going to lie and say that “no showrunner has ever kept someone at the assistant level purely for financial reasons.”  But doing a crappy job definitely won’t get you that promotion, nor recommendations for other gigs.  So do a good job, okay?  Don’t overthink this.

I work on a half-hour/multi-camera sitcom. Anything else I need to know?

In addition to all the above, there will also be times when the whole room will go through the entire script line-by-line, and you will be responsible for making all the official changes.  Your computer will be hooked up to a screen, allowing every writer to see what you type, and you will be tempted to ironically insert writers’ room in-jokes into the script, for everyone to see, before you erase them.  These can be (sometimes) hilarious.  If you do such a thing, ALWAYS REMEMBER TO DELETE THEM before you move onto the next scene.  There’s a story about the writers’ assistant on certain uber-popular ’90s sitcom adding a parenthetical — (DOUCHEY) — next to a specific character’s dialogue.  It was funny to the room because everyone thought this particularly cast member was, indeed, a douche.  The parenthetical was not erased, though, and made it into the printed script, which the actor saw during the next rehearsal.  Fortunately for the writers assistant, the actor took it as an acting prompt and not as a actual statement on his douchiness.  According to the story, the actor asked the director “Why would I say this line like a douche?”  At least, that’s how the story goes.  Is it true?  Probably.

 How am I supposed to keep track of all these notes, boards, research, etc.?

Evernote.  Install the app on your laptop, your tablet, and your smartphone.  Create folders for each episode, keep all materials relevant to each episode — board photos, web clippings, etc. — in the corresponding folder. You’ll be golden.

When will I have time to work on my own material?

You’ll have to make time.  Being a writers’ assistant can be draining.  You’ll get home and want to go right to sleep.  On the weekend, you’ll just want to relax.  But, remember, if you don’t want to be a writers assistant forever, you will need samples that can show off your writing ability.  Don’t wait until hiatus to work on them.  Make the time during the season.

Why do I want this job again?

Because it’s the best non-writing job in Hollywood.  Seriously.

 


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